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When Zombies Attack, Hurry to Your Billiard Room

Zombie attacks are becoming more and more frequent. With accounts accruing almost everywhere, the living dead outbreak poses a greater and greater threat to our lives and well being. Most people instinctively go to crowded places or well-known landmarks, thinking they will find safety in numbers, only to find themselves screaming in agony when they become an undead entree. What most people do not realize is that one of the safest places to be during a zombie attack, if accessible to you, is your home billiard room. Even though it may not seem the most outdoor escape room to run for, it has many advantages over more obvious locations. Sure, your kitchen is full of sharp weapons…and plenty of windows to be easily seen by wandering corpses. And do not even think of stepping foot outside to get a shovel or pick axe out of your tool shed; going outdoors where the undead lurks in the shadows is nothing short of suicide.

Why a billiard room, you ask? A myriad of reasons exist. First off, any room inside of your home or away from people is far safer than any public place, because it is private and quiet. You must read about brunswick pool tables because they are best in market. Loudness and chaos draws attention, and the undead are said to have a heightened sense of perception, being able to hear, see, and smell their meals (that is you if you are not careful) from great distances. Being in your home will attract virtually no unwanted attention and allow you to keep a much lower profile, therefore keeping you much safer.

Your home billiard room is a superb location to set up your defenses and ward off a potential zombie threat. An upstairs billiard room is ideal (the undead have great difficulties with stairs) but not very common, so let’s concentrate on a downstairs billiard room, as that is more practical.

First, no matter where your billiard room is located in your home, make sure you have an accessible escape route. Placing yourself in a “one way in, one way out” situation may seem logical and safe at first, but it also traps you in a corner once zombies break in. And believe me. They WILL get in! A tiny little basement window or a hidden hole in the wall leading to another room will usually suffice. Locking yourself in your basement, however, will eventually turn any cellar into a tomb…your tomb.

Next, a major advantage of a billiard room is the furniture within, especially the pool table. Because of its enormous size, a pool table has many defensive uses.

Pushing a pool table up against a closed billiard room door, stacked high with bar stools, pub tables, lights, chairs and anything else you can find will create a strong and heavy barrier against you and the undead hoard, making it nearly impossible to break in. Plus, a pool table is both long and wide, making it hard for a zombie to grab you and pull you in for a quick fleshy neck snack. Or go with this idea, which has saved me from eminent doom in two previous undead attacks. If you have access to a saw and firearms, saw your billiard room door in half horizontally, so that the top part will swing open while the bottom part is still barricaded by the pool table. Since zombies generally move about in a slow, clumsy manner, you now have yourself an undead shooting gallery. Just pray you do not run out of bullets before you run out of corpses to shoot.

A ton of other items in your billiard room are quite effective in hand-to-hand combat. Remember, to kill a zombie, it must suffer massive brain trauma. Crushing a zombie’s skull with a couple of billiard balls shoved in your sock works pretty well. Or crack a pool cue in half, and you have two long, impaling rods. Pool cues make great weapons against a zombie’s mushy skin and skull, especially since a pool cue is long and pointed to begin with. Just keep in mind that sharp, pointed objects and bludgeoning items work best. Broken pool cues, darts, your collection of beer mugs, and even some furniture provide as great stabbing weapons and projectiles. Even the legs of your bar stools can be used to impale a zombie in the forehead. Or turn the bar stool around and use it as a bat, as long as you are strong enough to swing it repeatedly with speed and accuracy. Hitting a zombie in the head hard enough with any object, even your hand (although doing this will put you at severe risk of infection), can kill it.

As I mentioned, I have been involved in two other zombie attacks where my billiard room saved my life. And I would run there again in a heartbeat if faced with another invasion, grab a pool cue or bar stool, and start swinging. Just don’t forget one thing. Do Not Panic! Panicking equals death…not only for you, but most likely for everyone else around you. If you manage to keep your wits about you, and you do make it to your billiard room or another safe location, you should be just fine…at least for a little while.


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